My Thorn

I have this problem... It crops up every now an again, sometimes as a twinge, sometimes as a nearly crippling pain. It often deals its worst blows when I'm spending time with my friends from Korean church. What is this problem? you ask. Self pity.

I've always been rather capable of pitying myself, but in the past few months, I've been pummeled by staggering pity parties. Today, for example, during practice for my Korean praise team (We're singing next Sunday, and my proposal, which I mentioned in my last post, appears to have been completely chucked out the window.), I was haunted by insidious, self-pitying barbs like, 'It's days like this that makes having Korean friends feel too much like work.' or 'How can I contribute here? They don't care about my efforts, even my baked goods got a rather cool reception the other week.' or 'I don't get it. What's the use of trying to be their friend? No one ever really talks to me, anyway.' while enviously eyeing the girls whispering together. I was close to letting myself cry, but for the fact that doing so would just bewilder them and I really wouldn't be able to explain without looking/sounding pathetic/needy. I am pathetic and needy, let's be honest, but what I need isn't to get attention from my Korean acquaintances. I need to focus my attention on God. Sounds simple enough, right? Maybe? It isn't. I did eventually cry a few tears during the closing prayer time, but these were tears of repentance, not of frustration, pride, or pity. I remembered that Christ lived among people who didn't understand Him, who felt uncomfortable around Him, who were intimidated by His being different, who thought differently from Him. Who am I, that I should not have to endure what my Lord did? I recalled a quote, "God is all you need, but until God is all you have, you will never know that God is all you need." Is this my lesson? I feel much too young to learn this, though I should be thankful that I'm learning it at such a young age, at least to some degree. Now, to actually learn and apply the lesson...

I've begun reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It was recommended by WORLD magazine (which I highly recommend, btw), and it has been challenging and encouraging. The author tells of her journey to give thanks for all things, in all things, in a specific, particular manner, not simply a blanket 'thank you for everything.' Reading it has also made me realize/recognize/remember (and I'm sure many of you will shake your heads, 'My, she's so young.' when you read this, but I'm a willing admitter.) that life does not magically become wonderful and everything beautiful and all problems resolved when one marries and has children. (And here you nod wisely.) However, if I now learn and practice these things which the author learns while married with 6 growing children, I will be in much better stead when, Lord willing, I am married with children. And so, here are some things I gave thanks for today:
- Rare root beer and summer making a perfect combination
- Dongsaengs (younger siblings/friends) who polish their shoes (Remember that friend I taught to polish his shoes? Those shoes were looking very nice today.)
- Friends who make an effort to translate songs for me
- Family that is dear, even miles away.
- God's family, which is close at hand, if not as emotionally close as my natural family
- Brightly colored shirts which proclaim God
- Brightly colored eyeliner and eyeshadow to match the shirt

Well, it's a start.

Pray for me.

Signing off,
Miss Chatters